Seamus and the American

Madison had been living in Ireland for her semester abroad when she met the leprechaun.

“ID, horse box!”

He wasn’t very nice.

“You’re a leprechaun!”

“Ya just gonna stare with yer dopey mouth hangin’ open? Take a feckin’ picture, why don’t ya? Yeah, I’m a leprechaun. What’re ya? A dopey cunt! Jaysus.”

His name was Seamus and he was the size of a cat. If a cat stood on it’s hind legs and those legs were terribly bowlegged, tan and aggressively hairy. He was stocky and even though he didn’t look like much, Seamus was strong. He had the strength of men twice his size. He had a shock of red hair that refused to move even in the strongest wind. Seamus was awfully protective of his hair. He once broke a man’s arm when that man tried to ruffle his hair as tall men often do to the leprechaun men.

Madison met him at a pub. Seamus checked IDs at the door on busy nights. As she handed him her ID, she remarked that it was odd he was a doorman due to his size. “I’m stronger than most pricks! Suppose you think I should be chasin’ a pot o’ gold? ’Tis a modern country, ya cow!”

Madison wasn’t insulted by his unprompted verbal abuse. Just intrigued. Seamus was attracted to her lack of self-esteem. After the show, he bought her a drink and talked about himself. He came from a large family in the countryside. One out of six boys, he was the only leprechaun. “Tis a dormant gene. Me grandfather on me mother’s side was a leprechaun. And me grandma was a ball buster.” Seamus laughed at his own joke, slapping his knee. Hearing Seamus’ laugh threw her mind into low gear. His laugh invoked images of rolling hills and blue skies in her brain. She instantly became calmer, complaint and wanted to nap. A leprechaun’s laugh triggers certain neurons to fire in the human brain that no other sound can replicate. Scientists named it the Opioid effect, as it creates the same effect as an opiate addiction.

At last call, Seamus asked her out. Madison said yes because of his Irish charm and his God given manipulation manifested in a laugh. He kissed her. It was dry, yet aggressive, like his hairy legs. He asked her to come home with him. Madison said no. He kissed her again and asked her, again, to come home with him. Madison said no. Seamus laughed. Madison agreed to go home with him.

In the morning, she woke up. Seamus was snoring next to her. They slept on a mattress on the floor surrounded by islands of dirty and clean clothes. Morning light streamed through the unblinded and smudgy windows, illuminating her decision. His hairy legs seemed even more coarse in the daytime. But his hair was still perfect. At times sex with Seamus felt like he was a normal man. But then at other times, it wasn’t.

“It was other worldly,” Madison said. “How?” her friends would ask later when she told them. “I don’t know how to describe it. It was like a fever dream where reality and fantasy intermingle. Oh, and he’s huge.”

Madison and Seamus began dating. She spent all her free time with him. She suspected he saw other women but she pretended not to notice and not to mind. Eventually, her visa expired and she had to return home to Philadelphia. Seamus implored her to buy her a ticket. He’d never been to the United States. Madison wasn’t sure. Seamus laughed. She agreed and used her parents’ credit card.

After they landed in Philadelphia and Seamus explored the city, he was underwhelmed. “Holy feck, what’s the constant stench? Piss an’ asphalt?”

Then he explored a little further and meet the citizens of Philly. “The people! Massive feckin’ pricks! It’s brilliant!” Seamus laughed. Madison instantly thought of floating in an endless lake. He got a job as a door guy at a college bar.

He lived in her parent’s basement. Bringing home a guy, let alone a leprechaun, was daunting enough for her conservative religious family. But they were instantly won over with Seamus’ Irish charm and his mood alternating laugh. “Ye got more crosses than the Vatican!” He laughed. They thought of floating in eternal happiness with Christ their Lord.

Seamus quickly caught on with the college girls of Temple, then the girls of Drexel and finally the girls of Penn State. They became addicted to his laugh and then promptly to him. Madison saw him less and less. It finally occurred to her that Seamus was using her. He came home late or not at all. Madison’s tolerance to the opioid effects of Seamus’ laugh was increasing, diminishing the effectiveness of his charm. In fact, she realized he had no Irish charm whatsoever. He was just a belligerent womanizer with extremely hairy legs. Yet a fantastic head of hair.

Madison, now seeing Seamus for what he actually was, couldn’t believe all these girls liked him. She told him so. Seamus smirked. “When ya went over seas, what did all yer shams tell ya ta do?”

“They said, bring me back a leprechaun.”

“ ‘tis what I’m doin’. Givin’ ‘em alllll the leprechaun they want. Sometimes two times in a row!” He laughed, slapping his hairy knee. Madison’s anger immediately disappeared into thoughts of lovely lovely nothingness. But she got over it quickly and wanted to be rid of him. Her parents were no help. They were completely overjoyed with Seamus, as his mirth gave them “a window to God.” Whenever he laughed, they imagined themselves “sitting at the right hand of the Father”.

One day, the entire country, except those in red hats and white hoods, lamented the destruction of the world. It was the election of Donald Trump. With such strong talk of deportation of illegal immigrants, Seamus watched the news nervously. His visa had expired months earlier. He didn’t laugh once that day. Just stared at the bottom of his whiskey glass. He had come to love America and all the college girls that lived there.

That evening, he asked Madison to marry him. She said yes. She knew the marriage was to save him from deportation, he knew she knew it was to save him from deportation. Everyone knew. Even her parents. But they didn’t mind since his laughter was “a peek into eternal happiness with the Holy Trinity”.

That Sunday, when Seamus entered the church, ICE agents were waiting for him. He wasn’t very surprised and he suspected Madison called them, which, of course, she had. His mirth and infectious laughter were no use against government officials. After a few failed jokes, Seamus willingly lead himself to the backseat of their car and back to Ireland.

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